Your partner shows up late. A colleague takes credit for your idea. Your mom comments on your appearance. Suddenly, you’re fuming, shutting down, or plotting your escape.

Later, you wonder: What just happened? Or a friend says: Hey, you okay? That seemed intense.

You got triggered. And you’re not alone.

There’s endless talk on Instagram and TikTok about triggers and boundaries, but let’s go deeper. Why do we get triggered? What’s actually happening? And how can we manage it to improve our relationships?

I recently read The Invisible Lion by Benjamin Fry—and it blew my mind. Here’s the key insight:

Triggers happen because our nervous system is dysregulated.

When we were kids, our caregivers didn’t always help us regulate our emotions. Imagine a toddler getting upset because they feel threatened. Instead of soothing the child, a caregiver might overreact (yelling) or underreact (ignoring).

Adults respond to threats with fight, flight, or freeze. But toddlers? They’re too small to fight or run, so they freeze. Since their survival depends on their caregiver, they can’t discharge this energy. It stays trapped in their bodies—emotional baggage waiting for the right (safe) moment to be released.

Ever wondered why a remark or a behaviour of your partner drives you nuts? Similar behaviors (to our caregivers) from partners, friends, or colleagues can trigger that old, unfinished response. Your brain makes up new reasons why this happens—"They’re so irresponsible!"—but the real issue is old, unresolved pain.

You’re not fighting today’s problem. You’re wrestling with a very old threat (a lion) that left a deep wound.

It is only through awareness and addressing the ‘original lion’ that we can bring our system back to regulation and healing (and stop punishing people around us for our own baggage).

According to Benjamin Fry, when you feel triggered, you need to resist the urge to react. Instead, ask yourself:

Stick to the facts—no blame or judgment. For example:

Next, name your feelings (you can use only the word ‘I’ here, not ‘you’):

Then, dig deeper (try to find the ‘original threat’ – this can be difficult and take some time):

Boundaries aren’t about controlling others—they’re about taking responsibility for your own regulation. You can ask for help, but it’s your job to manage your reactions.

Seems simple, but it takes practice. Will you give it a go?

P.S: Sometimes, setting boundaries can trigger others—it’s a reaction they didn’t expect. Listening and empathy matter here. But that’s a topic for another day. :)

P.P.S: Did something resonate with you? Got a story to share? Hit reply—I’d love to hear from you.

Warmly,

Dominika

📚 I’m reading Keep Love by Paul C. Brunson at the moment. An easy read about debunking 21 myths in long-term relationships. I love to see more authors focus on not only how to find love, but how to do the work to create a fulfilling relationship and grow together.

🎙 Charlie Houpert shared fascinating insights on how to have more fun and engaging conversations with strangers and how confidence shows up in your body language on the Diary of a CEO.

🧬 Wanna have kids in the future, but not now? Egg freezing might be a great insurance policy to make that happen. Each woman is different, but our ovaries age fast (especially after 35). I was at a great event about fertility and egg freezing organised by Ovom care and learned tons about how my body works. Knowledge is power.